Like A Beggar – Poem

Is

A Sign to keep moving.

I love that poem of mine. It shows me how far I did go from the time I was broken into pieces, and my self-confidence was hitting the ground.

*****

Today was the numerous time

I acted once again like a beggar

For a word from the person

That I deeply loved,

And I looked so pitiful.

I tried to not care

And continued wondering

Why not me in the end?

I know that the story

It’s old like the world

One looks for another

Then they go back to God

Without touching their fingers

Just sitting and wait

For some kind of a miracle

To come from above

But it doesn’t.

One side ends up alone,

Feeling like a burden,

Looking like a clown

To seek pure attention

There, where all is gone.

I know I should be moving

But why I can’t go?

I watch from the corner

Where circles don’t stop

I want to break free

Yet I still can not.

It’s a ridiculous gaming

Is it fair to be like a stone?

When someone is hurting

Isn’t inhumane to ignore?

But maybe it’s better

For me to finally stop

Chasing a mirage

I can’t get out of my head.

Because like a beggar

I will lose my self-worth.

Sometimes I am dreaming

For a dark knight in armor

That could make me a killer

Of the pain, I had self-grown.

Or maybe I need it –

Someone to be my savior

I feel like a weakling

That deserts from the fault

Of staying delusional.

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Begging is a symbol of weakness and pain. The Lover’s attention is good, but usually, people are in unrequited feelings.

It’s self-humiliation to ask for a gesture or nice word from someone who avoids you.

When enamored, humans forget their self-worth, becoming defenseless. That is normal but not appreciated. I know it well because I did it many times and continued until I saw myself looking pitiful, even in my eyes. It is a challenge for me to crash that attitude pattern of mine, but with enough practice, my success is guaranteed.

What about other’s parties’ eyes?

In most cases, they do not care but play a guilty feeling game. The sorrow here is only for the person in love who wants to stay connected with the other one. Is painful to watch and is not worth staying where you’re not wanted or seen as something more than another piece of flesh.

When I like someone, I  go blind to the red flags like not replying or calling me back. Some will say men are shy – No, they are not and find me uninteresting or banal. I used to feel unworthy of males’ attention a few months ago, but now I know I am sexy enough for the right eyes to see me. Well, I am still waiting for them though.

 I decided today to stop even thinking about someone who does not find 5 minutes to read or reply to me. I released myself from the old attitude patterns. Men are free to go and I do not need ignorance’s games. My love is too much to be lost, missed, or avoided, so I put it in my Zumba classes and the blog because I got fed up with relationships hiding and seeking.

Maybe I should listen again to Elsa’s “Let it go” song because of my huge and numerous disappointment with males’ cowardly attitude. Most of them can not even say “I do not like you, and do not waste my time”.

It is better to cut painfully once and for all than to give fake hopes. I do the talk that way.