Building Walls Between People

Building Walls Between People

Building Walls Between People


Another Thinking Confession For Overthinkers And Emotionally Neglected Children

Originally, I was planning to finish my Dubai travel post today. But, as expected, my creative writer’s heart didn’t agree with my logical mind.

I use one astrology application called “Co-Star” to check my horoscope. Sometimes the words written in it, make sense. There is a quote I like: “Heart and mind shouldn’t conflict,” but unfortunately in my case, it’s mostly like that.

However, today I started to think about building walls between myself and people. It’s uncertain if that is a good way of doing things, but surely nobody loves the feeling of dead weight to another person, especially an important one.

Recently, I dig too much as a typical overthinker and a child with past emotional neglect, building walls.

Parents often do mistakes without understanding them. It causes emotional neglect to their children. That brings serious consequences in adult life. The lack of parental emotional attention and physical showing of support makes the child a survivor but causes problems in communication. That attracts mutual unemotionality between people.

Information about the topic of emotional neglect can be found everywhere on the Internet, but I want to share the consequences through my life lens. My writing is always based on experience and not on theories and readings.

Reasons for Building Walls Between People


Feeling ashamed is unacceptable, but recently I found out it’s somehow healing. Naming the past mistake in action and accepting it, even if it was a painful experience, brings emotional health into a better shape. One of the reasons for building my walls with people is that I feel ashamed of my past actions toward many of them and especially close ones.

Today was my start to look at my recent and somehow shameful actions. In my opinion, they were like that. Compassion and pity will not bring me salvation, because the past clearly can not be changed. It’s something I need to accept, understand and outwear.

Still, it hurts me,  looking back at the situation. But, keeping my ground with my two feet, always made me proud and motivated to move on.

Thinking Of The Past.

Everyone says people should look into the present, but it’s based on the past and ideas for the future. Of course, overthinking the past is not the greatest idea but it shouldn’t be forgotten. People should not hide from the past but remember it dearly in their hearts. That helps them grow and create a better life aura, karma, or whatever they name it.

Overthinking is not advisable, because when it’s prolonged, people become stagnant in their lives. It’s good to have a reasonable period to analyze the situation and discipline to follow it. For example, one day to accept the situation, second to feel it, and third to continue moving on with life, because time never turns back.

Lack Of Self-Compassion

That is the main problem for everyone. I always look first at my mistakes when something goes wrong. It’s still challenging for me to accept that I did my best in a certain situation. My harsh words and feelings toward myself destructed me many times but I revived as a phoenix from ashes. Even so, Self-compassion is challenging to apply, especially when someone grew up without parental emotional love. It’s undeniable fact my parents always provided for me financially, but never invested in my feelings, talents, and supporting my dreams.

However, my gratitude toward them is never-ending. I do my best to avoid that pattern while raising my daughter as a single parent.

For the protocol, my parents were separated unofficially. My mother never stood on her own two feet because she was financially dependent and didn’t try to move on alone. Many women today are like her and I do not blame anyone for anything. It takes courage to become a single parent and risk becoming financially unstable, broken, and living alone with the child until it grows up.

I had two choices: going back with my ex for the money or my hometown to survive. My choice was to stay on my own because I can not live with someone I do not even love. Following my heart is the golden string I follow all my life.

It’s pitiful, humiliating, and insulting to move in with someone without any feelings. So, my understanding of today’s reality of single parenthood is good. Courage is a blessing that not many people have.

Hiding From Facing The Situation

Hiding is a well-known method to avoid uncomfortable situations. Recently, I started doing it because I got too much on my plate. Soon that situation will change. Now, I want to hide because of my need to process everything that happened for the last few months and recharge. But, hiding is never a good idea although sometimes is needed.

Many humans hide forever and build walls. Not many people want to break others’ defenses. It’s a matter of choice, bravery, and depth of feelings.

These are the reasons to build walls between people. Only the closest ones will understand the pain their friends, lovers, parents, or children go through if they want.

Will the close-to-heart people give a hand or not?

In most cases no. Usual sentences are: “I do not want to interrupt,” “I don’t need others’ dramas, “I do not understand,” Why the hell should I care for someone else outside myself?” etc.

However, few people will go through fire for their friends, partners, etc. If you have someone like that in your circle, protect them with everything you got.

For today, my confession ends here. I am happy that you read me and my way to go out of depression is to dance through it. My belief is humans should have their ways to keep going in life. If not, finding them is a must.

Summer Rain And Romance’s Survival State

Summer Rain And Romance

Summer Rain And Romance’s Survival State


Taking Place in Surreal Mind’s World.

On Friday, I should attend an event called “A Glass of Wine and Painting,” organized at one of my favorite art cafes in my current sea town’s living place. Unfortunately, I could not go for reasons outside my control and was sad about it.

I took my old painting brush, and drew on my kid’s sketchbook similar to the event romance couple’s picture, without an umbrella. I am a retro girl in life, after all, with hopeless romanticism.

In my teenage, I used to paint and had a dream to own a gallery. I got bored with what I drew and with time my painting’s ideas faded away.

After that, I watched Japanese Animation and wanted to become an animator. When I installed Corel Draw and 3D Studio max, I found out that I lack certain thinking and became bored of my unfruitful tries to draw what I see in my head.

I left the painting idea and started to write. Words made me put my thoughts and ideas easily on paper. The paintings I wanted to draw, were bright in my head, and I couldn’t catch or draw them down.

When I started to write, things I imagined became organized, but my imagination sometimes runs wild as Summer rain.

As always, I seek shelter for my thinking about various topics on the blog. While I listen to nostalgic music because it fits my current mood and Mercury retrograde, my past romantic memories took my hand to go down the memory line.

I wonder why people want romance as in the movies, and when an opportunity arises, they run away. It happens unexpectedly, seldom, and slips through the fingers of time, and daily routines. If people are coupled, they expect to walk away and not cheat. I can’t qualify as wrong or not, because it’s a personal choice.

When people are single, they receive something like thunder’s speed to run away from the love opportunity.

Today, I sit and think while drinking my afternoon coffee why do single people avoid others like them, without even being given a chance?

Currently, I am in a similar and weird situation, so I will speak my mind about that topic to whoever is interested.

The reasons that come to my mind are the meaning of loneliness, unwillingness to give up personal space, and egoism.

The meaning of Loneliness in Summer Rain

Looking back at the picture I wanted to draw on Friday, I wanted to escape my loneliness, which is currently unhealthy. Maybe it’s for good I did not attend the painting event. Creating that romantic picture, I could start crying because a lot of emotions are running through me at the moment.

I almost started to fall in love with a man, but my heart shouldn’t do it. I took out my logic gun, metaphorically speaking, and killed that expectation feeling. My past romances needed a lot of recovery time. Starting something with insecure in his feelings person, or as a “Friend with benefits” stupid situation is not my cup of tea.

When in a relationship, I always give everything and there is no half-love on my end.

In that way of thinking, I believe it’s better to keep my loneliness because it’s only mine. I do not need someone else solitary too. Two-side ticket to the blues is preferable to a one-way destination to heartache for a long time. Surely, many other single people think like that, which explains the meaning of healthy loneliness. Based on the picture I shared, I will take that man’s kiss in my mind, take my umbrella, and move on.

Unwillingness to give Personal Space is a Romance’s Survival State

Everyone wants “me-time,” but sometimes people get addicted to it, and can not imagine giving it up to share space with someone else.  That is the main reason many single humans register on dating sites.  It’s easier to sit at home, watching from afar potential lovers, and ghosting them anytime. I have been registered on online dating sites and received hundreds of pointless messages. At some point, reading them became irritating for me. At the moment, I have over 200 messages from unknown men online, which I do not plan to read. Checking that communication is not my priority.

Going out trying to seduce someone is not modern these days. That is one of the reasons I call myself a retro girl or old-school because I believe courtship happens only physically, or at least with a phone or video calls. I say that when a man wants me, he should come directly to me and say what he wants because my sloppiness in heart matters is legendary. Most women are like me, but they refuse it even for themselves. Man’s boldness always will be trendy.

Right said, I also can’t imagine sharing my home with another person because I am afraid I may screw everything with my difficult-to-be-loved character. My belief is people should go in two through life, and that hopes should not stay mirages. Anyways, that is not about my personality post.

Objectively speaking, when people live alone for a long time, they forget what to do with someone else.

They stop trying to attract a potential partner with actions or words because the personal space becomes a sanctuary, but sacred places are not frequent places to visit. People start to think they are good enough in their company and space, going only for their physical needs.

Nowadays, it’s easier to find a one-night stand without engagements. Almost no one wants commitment and devotion to another person. I always joke I may go with AI /Artificial Intelligence/ Boyfriend purchase sometime in the future. The sad part is many other single people think like me, which also explains the Romance Survival State doubts.

Egoism when there is Summer Rain and Romance’s Survival State

Last decades, people say they’re egoistic, or claim someone else is like that. Egoism is mistaken for setting boundaries, taking care of another human, pet, or child, and the lack of teamwork in any life field.

The egoist word became an insult, and there is a reason for it. Egoism and setting boundaries are not the same, and a lack of teamwork leads to nothing better than individual perfection in a job that needs two or more people.

Pure Egoism is a variety of theories, but regarding Romance, the topic sums to “I do not care about your needs, but only mine” or the lack of flexibility to compromise. People become egoists with time when they’re left by someone they loved deeply. 

There are two ways to keep going after someone close to your heart dumb you: “Forever on my own because I am afraid to be heartbroken,” or “I try again, knowing nothing is secure but putting my best when in a relationship.”

Both paths are egoistical because everyone wants to satisfy their needs, but when not risking being with someone else on a deeper level, a feeling of emptiness remains forever. On the other side, trying again brings out the best in a person who wants to keep a relationship. It gives new experiences and unknown feelings. It’s like opening the eyes to another you as one of my favorite bands Metallica sings.

Romance’s Survival State

Today’s challenging to be romantic or people claim you as mad. Pragmatism took over every feeling. Even so, emotions hide in people’s hearts. There is a proven fact that logic may go a long way in life, but a surpressed feeling leads to waking up from the coffin of disappointments, known patterns, hormonal disbalance, and craziness when falling in love which is inevitable.

There was an interesting thought I found on Quora while I wrote there. By memory, I’m paraphrasing it: “Heart tells you what you do when logic gives up.”

Romance’s Survival State is closer to the body’s survival mode than people want to accept. Without romantic or idealistic emotions in every life situation, being alive would be boring as the zombie or robotic movies everyone watches nowadays. Waking up without a goal or motivation is like staying dead in an alive body.

Do you want to be a robot or a zombie?

 Summer rain is better experienced when there are two under one umbrella. The romance survives only when people drop the act of independent, solitary heroes that need no one to be with, even for the sparing or silent company. A kiss feeling is always better than looking at the kissing couple painting.

In my opinion, Romance will survive in the next few years, because many people want that without admitting it.
Is it not better to accept the romantic moods than to put them aside, feeling unhappy?


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