Building Walls Between People

Building Walls Between People

Building Walls Between People

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Another Thinking Confession For Overthinkers And Emotionally Neglected Children

Originally, I was planning to finish my Dubai travel post today. But, as expected, my creative writer’s heart didn’t agree with my logical mind.

I use one astrology application called “Co-Star” to check my horoscope. Sometimes the words written in it, make sense. There is a quote I like: “Heart and mind shouldn’t conflict,” but unfortunately in my case, it’s mostly like that.

However, today I started to think about building walls between myself and people. It’s uncertain if that is a good way of doing things, but surely nobody loves the feeling of dead weight to another person, especially an important one.

Recently, I dig too much as a typical overthinker and a child with past emotional neglect, building walls.

Parents often do mistakes without understanding them. It causes emotional neglect to their children. That brings serious consequences in adult life. The lack of parental emotional attention and physical showing of support makes the child a survivor but causes problems in communication. That attracts mutual unemotionality between people.

Information about the topic of emotional neglect can be found everywhere on the Internet, but I want to share the consequences through my life lens. My writing is always based on experience and not on theories and readings.

Reasons for Building Walls Between People

Shame

Feeling ashamed is unacceptable, but recently I found out it’s somehow healing. Naming the past mistake in action and accepting it, even if it was a painful experience, brings emotional health into a better shape. One of the reasons for building my walls with people is that I feel ashamed of my past actions toward many of them and especially close ones.

Today was my start to look at my recent and somehow shameful actions. In my opinion, they were like that. Compassion and pity will not bring me salvation, because the past clearly can not be changed. It’s something I need to accept, understand and outwear.

Still, it hurts me,  looking back at the situation. But, keeping my ground with my two feet, always made me proud and motivated to move on.

Thinking Of The Past.

Everyone says people should look into the present, but it’s based on the past and ideas for the future. Of course, overthinking the past is not the greatest idea but it shouldn’t be forgotten. People should not hide from the past but remember it dearly in their hearts. That helps them grow and create a better life aura, karma, or whatever they name it.

Overthinking is not advisable, because when it’s prolonged, people become stagnant in their lives. It’s good to have a reasonable period to analyze the situation and discipline to follow it. For example, one day to accept the situation, second to feel it, and third to continue moving on with life, because time never turns back.

Lack Of Self-Compassion

That is the main problem for everyone. I always look first at my mistakes when something goes wrong. It’s still challenging for me to accept that I did my best in a certain situation. My harsh words and feelings toward myself destructed me many times but I revived as a phoenix from ashes. Even so, Self-compassion is challenging to apply, especially when someone grew up without parental emotional love. It’s undeniable fact my parents always provided for me financially, but never invested in my feelings, talents, and supporting my dreams.

However, my gratitude toward them is never-ending. I do my best to avoid that pattern while raising my daughter as a single parent.

For the protocol, my parents were separated unofficially. My mother never stood on her own two feet because she was financially dependent and didn’t try to move on alone. Many women today are like her and I do not blame anyone for anything. It takes courage to become a single parent and risk becoming financially unstable, broken, and living alone with the child until it grows up.

I had two choices: going back with my ex for the money or my hometown to survive. My choice was to stay on my own because I can not live with someone I do not even love. Following my heart is the golden string I follow all my life.

It’s pitiful, humiliating, and insulting to move in with someone without any feelings. So, my understanding of today’s reality of single parenthood is good. Courage is a blessing that not many people have.

Hiding From Facing The Situation

Hiding is a well-known method to avoid uncomfortable situations. Recently, I started doing it because I got too much on my plate. Soon that situation will change. Now, I want to hide because of my need to process everything that happened for the last few months and recharge. But, hiding is never a good idea although sometimes is needed.

Many humans hide forever and build walls. Not many people want to break others’ defenses. It’s a matter of choice, bravery, and depth of feelings.

These are the reasons to build walls between people. Only the closest ones will understand the pain their friends, lovers, parents, or children go through if they want.

Will the close-to-heart people give a hand or not?

In most cases no. Usual sentences are: “I do not want to interrupt,” “I don’t need others’ dramas, “I do not understand,” Why the hell should I care for someone else outside myself?” etc.

However, few people will go through fire for their friends, partners, etc. If you have someone like that in your circle, protect them with everything you got.

For today, my confession ends here. I am happy that you read me and my way to go out of depression is to dance through it. My belief is humans should have their ways to keep going in life. If not, finding them is a must.

My Romantic Nail’s Nostalgy For The Summer

Romantic Nail's Nostalgy For The summer

My Romantic Nail’s Nostalgy For The Summer

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Indeed a good feeling, because I am in love with Autumn.

While I listen to a beautiful fairytale melody, I remember the things that happened to me last year.   It’s because today’s the second day of Mercury Retrograde. When that period falls upon me, I shut down from the outside world more than usual. The Nostalgy for the Summer always comes to me at the beginning of September, when most of my family members have their birthdays.

While doing my nails in a nude color to calm down, I overthink, let go of old painful memories, and clear my head about the past mistakes, and treatment I did and met.

Humans are interesting creatures –  they use and lie to the ones they love the most.

However, I sat again yesterday on the beach, watching the sea waves with nostalgia for my past year, which was not one of the best in my life but taught me a lot about brave walking to the unknown, the start of being a single mother by choice, and the reasons I have not found the true love and may not find it romantically.

Connecting with the waves, I felt like I am a drop in the neverending sea that calms my mind, running in the race between many thoughts, situations, and ideas to resolve problems. Sometimes, loneliness hits me hard and brings no inspiration.

But it gives me another clear point of view and a reason to forgive the past mistakes of my old self and the people I have met in my life.

My post today will not be like my usual one to give analysis and reasons. I do not look for them, but I share my thoughts because, after all, the blog I made is to show that people are not alone in their lives. There is always someone out there who goes through the same experience and gives an idea of how to overcome sadness, pain, or a broken heart.

I understand very well what it’s like to be alone physically when there is no one to reach. That is why I went online to feel not so damn lonely and show there is a virtual hand, at least.

Looking vulnerable is a risky thing, but it makes connections deeper. There are three things I hate in my life the most: looking weak, showing vulnerability, and being sick. Usually, I cut off ties from the world, protecting my heart from more damage because it’s everything I own. Explanations will not solve anything in these periods.

People know well what they want from the first time they meet each other, but it takes time for them to decide how to end or begin a connection.

Ghosting will not give closure between two people but is a great way to slow down the inevitable process.

It’s better to say straight “no” than to give false expectations – they will be in the loving heart forever until see-through actions the negative reply –  I saw them for a long time, refusing to accept them until yesterday.

The sea whispered in my ear, metaphorically speaking, that I should move on from that deep pain from the last year’s situation because everything I hope, in terms of love and financial abundance will not happen.  I should forgive everyone for everything they did to me, and to myself too. The most challenging part is self-forgiving because many people think they do not make mistakes or take no responsibility for them.

The Nostalgy for the Summer

Many people indeed love Summer, but I see it as a heating period, in which everywhere is crowded, and the sweating is too much. But there is a  sweetness in summertime flirts, and I experienced them for the first time in many years these three months. The nostalgia of meeting someone who invited me on a date, and it wasn’t me doing the first steps toward someone for the first time in my life, was intoxicating.

Women like to feel chased and wooed.

It was tiring to replay the old pattern of chasing males who broke up with me after a while, saying: “You’re just a friend,” because they never saw me as a woman, but as a fun toy.

The fault was mine because I allowed that treatment – it was sweet when someone paid me attention. It’s an old’s world’s pattern – people want to feel they matter for who they are. The blurring line, in my case, was that I lacked a male’s attention, and thought every male who said I am sexy, beautiful, etc. had feelings for me. Of course, that is not true.

Today I am not like that easy prey anymore – it was self-humiliating.

The thrill of speaking with an old flame of mine for many hours was also inspiring. There is a saying a woman should have one love that did not happen but gave her happiness she met her soulmate and experienced deep feelings, even if they are platonic.

That was my hope for a love story that could begin 20 years ago, but it did not. I looked to find it again, but now I know it will not happen because tango takes two with shared feelings. Some things might never happen, and it doesn’t matter how good they could be. The crushes I got, are good men who never gave me a chance to be their woman because in their eyes I was not.

In my lonely life, that was bliss, but as everything good ends, that finished too. It is a part of life’s cycle that will not change and brings happy memories that fuel the person to move forward.

While watching the sea waves, I thought a lot about my past relationships. The men loved me the best way they can, but our love languages were different, or maybe distant. These men loved me truly, madly, and deeply in their way. That is something that I understand now, looking back on the past. I maybe will not have a love like that anymore in the future. I told you before that Universe gives the appropriate karma to everyone. Accepting the consequences of my immature person’s actions brought me new life lessons.

However, I am not desperate even if I sound like that a bit, because I give all my love to my child, blog visitors, poetry readers, and Zumba students. Life goes on, and my schedule is almost fixed. Sticking to it will give me better performance with responsibilities and actions. For now, I put aside my feelings because they grounded me in the past. I believe is time to let go.

Don’t you think?

My Romantic nails daydreaming

I love doing my nails, they are like a part of my defense or self-boosting tool, depending on my mood. In the Autumn, which I am in love with, I prefer to stay at home, reminiscing summer months like a typical homebody drinking tea or red wine, writing poetry, and listening to Jazz.

My tendency to fantasize about past lovers of current crushes gives me good inspiration to write romantic stories in my head, but nothing comes to reality because I decided not doing the first steps toward anyone anymore. I feel heartbroken, used, and misunderstood after making the first call or sending the message. It is like begging for attention, which I believe is mandatory when I gave signs and there is a positive feeling from the other side toward myself.

Dating and communicating are two-way-sided. People have their pride, dignity, and feelings to save. If there is a one-sided reaching out, there is no connection. These were the lessons I learned from my past love experiences. I believe between both people who care for each other there is nothing like “I have no time.”

My schedule is also packed, but I find time to write or call. It seems I am not important enough to those with whom I want to communicate. Another of my life’s mottos is “Actions Show All. Inactions too,” and I stick tight to it.

It is better to daydream while doing my romantic nails in the nude color than to fight for a lost cause in a doomed-by-choice relationship that the one person feared to even try.

The heartache will heal with time, tears, and sea waves energies. After all, the best romantic stories are written by people who gave their everything for someone else, lost themselves, and recollected in the name of love. It may be imaginary, but it is worth enough to write a bestseller that inspires the readers to move on, searching for true love and overcoming their limits in pursuing it.

One of my best friends said it’s like a lottery to find mutual love. Today, I believe that is not the reality, but the eyes that lack to see it, and hearts that do not open to receive it.

Summer passed by in my younger years, and now I look for the Autumn I am in love with – my middle age too.

What will be?
Thank you to all that read me and those who don’t do it anymore. Both outcomes gave me realizations.
Sources:

Art And Nostalgia – Romanticism

Romantic Nude Nails

Nostalgia

 

 

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