Emotional Unavailability Is Inaction

I like a topic for saying things people do not think to make a reality. It proves how much they do not care about others than themselves. I do not want to sound negative, but I only state facts and dig for the reasons behind them.

I have written some blog posts about unrequited and finished long overdue romance. Here are some examples that I used to back up my today’s post: A love story that wasn’t meant to be, True love’s talk, Distant commitment, and Why not me?

After I reread these four articles and I observed many people last seven months, I finally understood what Emotional Unavailability is.

I wondered long ago, in my relationship experience, what is wrong between the great chemistry, sweet talk, and spending time online without calls from my romantic interests. Finally, I found out there it wasn’t any affair at all.

Emotional unavailability is the escape from responsibility toward other people, especially when it comes to online dating.

Many people love online dating because is free to take what is needed and go into the offline world rarely.

That is the emotional unavailability in action.

Since humans stopped evolving as I wrote in my post Calling someone “strong” is not a compliment anymore. the feelings amiss are at their peak.

Emotional unavailability is the combination of fears, security that gives single life, and the missing obligation for communication. It is far easier to let go of time in a relationship that makes people feel challenged because easiness is always the winner when it comes to starting dating for real outside the computer, mobile, etc.

I talked to many people last few months, and I observed that they are indeed emotionally unavailable, but complain that the object of their interest is the way they are. That projection transferring made me dig why people prefer to have emotional unavailability than fighting for the love they know they feel but run away from it.

Today I was in a small village around Burgas. I received a hand-picked bouquet from an old gentleman while we drank Turkish coffee with him, speaking about life matters in general, I found out the reasons for the emotional unavailability. They are as follows:

  • Irresponsibility
  • Lack of challenge feeling
  • Routines Boredom
  • No will to change
  • No bigger picture together
  • Not understanding what love is about
Hand-picked bouquet by the old gentleman

Irresponsibility.

is the most popular form of emotionally unavailable. Everyone heard: “I have too much on my plate,” “I have no time,” etc. People are busy, and that is an undeniable fact. The truth in those thoughts is that the person saying them either doesn’t care for the other people or does not want to take responsibility for their actions toward the eventual date for making the first steps, calls, or texts. Nothing else, but it is good from the beginning for people to be clear about their irresponsibility toward another person because every relationship has two parties in it. If one doesn’t want a relationship, the other may be on a different page.

By the way, a call can take from 1 to 5 minutes while people are out for a break, the same goes for texting.

So, is it that you indeed have no time?

Lack of challenge feeling.

Many women, including me, mistake saying too much in the first stages of dating. They are too direct or open toward their partners. Most men lose interest in these women and runaways to seek someone more mysterious, perhaps.
After all, the next enigmatic person opens up later for men to see the same as the one before her. Men should think wiser about their time.

What about interest and challenge then?

I think it’s better to start a relationship a bit faster after the so-called hunting mode if the two people want it. They are mature enough to handle eventual romantic disappointment. Since I am into middle age, I do not want to play hide and seek anymore. If I were 20, I would be interested.

Yes, there should be a mystery and feeling of becoming someone’s prey, but, if that happens with mixed signals, the woman may distance herself and find meanwhile someone else.

Routines Boredom.

People build their routines over the years. It is a proven fact that a new rut builds up for 30 days. But, there comes a time when monotony takes over. When people are bored, they become emotionally unavailable because they start to feel comfortable in the tedium of their routine. They stop to look for excitement and fun outside their daily lives. Connections with other persons begin to fade away because they are not improved.

Then, one day, people wake up alone, lethargic, and without energy. They accept Emotional Unavailability and become numb to anything new in their lives – people or hobbies.

Is it not better to go into the unknown and feel alive, perhaps?

No will to change.

When people are too comfortable, they lose the will to change. Their discipline for elementary doings breaks, and their time, life, and emotions management expires.
It is well-known that success doesn’t come overnight. The progress has the company of schedules and failures.
Many painful changes have to be overcome by a person’s character.
Many people, including me, are emotional and live inside their little heart’s worlds. After every life’s slap, the personality dies and becomes shallow or rises and starts anew. Reactions to changes are the key to Emotional Unavailability or not.

If people choose to stay stuck in a situation because they do not want to change, they lose their emotions with time and become like robots. On the contrary, if people accept the changes with the required time to adapt, they keep moving on with their lives, making them the best for themselves. Meanwhile, the shift transforms the human character better.

Not seeing the bigger picture together.

For most of my life, I felt alone and single, even in a steady relationship physically. The cause was my partners had not seen the bigger picture with my eyes, and we did not evolve together as individuals and a couple.

Since I was used to this state, as I have written in my articles: “Wearing Red Dress With Confidence,” and “Loneliness is an inspiration,” I did not mind at first, thinking I was strong enough to fight for love to turn it into a neverending fairytale.

Time went by, and my energetic soul light dimmed. I became somebody I used to know as myself as an apathetic person with no wings to fly in life. That was when I met face to face with the Emotional Unavailability. Trust me, that period was like death itself. Living in a biological body with emptiness inside is not something I wish for anyone.

Then I was into the dead-end, deep grounded. It took me many years to rise.

When two partners do not see the bigger picture together: how they grow as people, their life values, and destinations differ, it becomes a one-sided fight with the fate that either kills or revives, but brings no couple.

Not understanding what love is about.

The most popular reason for Emotional Unavailability is people do not understand what a love affair is. They mostly care for their emotions without taking responsibility for the person they are within the relationship.
The talk about relationships is broad, but the truth is simple. People accept their partners with their flaws or not. Love is not about business, interests, and money-sharing, as is popular these days.

It is building something great and stable as a family by two people that complement each other and do their part of the teamwork they create. That includes everything from time management and house chores to changing the baby’s diapers.

There is no state where one person does everything and the other watches what happens.

Everyone is tired and stressed out by daily routines.


If one partner shows no emotional interest, the other goes into Emotional Unavailability, transferring it into the next relationship if there is a possibility for any.

Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

That is what I think about Emotional Unavailability. It is a serious thing, and it should be avoided.

People, in general, want to connect on a deep level with others, but fears and past love experiences make that like mission impossible.

However, I look for the reasons for everything to find an explanation. I should apply it too. That is what people should do – learn and enclose by experience.

 

Why Not Me?

Why Not Me?

That question always made me wonder. It is of great significance for men and women. Relationships between people are complicated.
When we speak about love relationships, especially unrequited, feelings the situation becomes more complex.


“Why not me?” is always the first question when we see we fall for someone who is cold and distant toward us or gives mixed signals.


Since I have rich experience in overthinking the “Why not me?” question because my unrequited loves are a crowd, I will try to answer it sincerely. It may help all who take the time to read what I have written, and they can find themselves in my words.
The bright side of one-sided love is that every time a person gets rejected, that becomes expected, and it doesn’t hurt too much.
 

Sometimes it is funny how people that reject you try to play innocent.

 
They show they are worried, but indeed they are not. Of all rejecting lines, the most popular is “I see you as a friend” or “I do not love you as more than a friend”.
 
Both sentences are hypocritical because why do people flirt with just a friend?
 
They should say they do not like you, hurt others hard, and make them move on with their dignity and honor. People need to walk away gracefully from those who cause them pain. The friendship story’s crap people tell because of politeness.
But that politeness will not save a person’s heart from breaking. There is a big difference between friendship and love, in my opinion. Friends can become lovers, but lovers back to friends rarely.
In the case of rejection of a friend in the first stages of falling in love, it is possible to become a strong friendship after some time apart, when the rejected person heals.


The pain of rejection is intoxicating and a wake-up call.

 
There is a pearl of old wisdom “What doesn’t kill you, make you stronger” – and it is just like that. As soon as people walk away from the unrequited love, they become persons with a stronger mentality. I know it is hard to let go of someone who liked or loved deeply, but the ties with the one-sided love should cut at least for a while until the mind and heart calm down.
After all, at the end of life, people have only themselves. Throughout the life journey, the persons should be the best version of themselves toward other humans and living beings. Giving as much kindness as people should not be for the price of self-sacrifice. After all, self-worth attracts love and understanding.

Now, let’s see the “Why not me?” question’s reasons:

Not ready for a relationship;

Not over the ex-lover or loving someone else;

Lack of will to deal with another’s personal feelings;

Not being ready for a relationship;

In today’s life, that situation is the most common reason to not step into a relationship. Many people are obsessed with their work and problems with their parents or siblings. Or they do not want to have a relationship at the current moment in their lives. That is perfectly fine because when people have no peace of mind or clear vision of what they want, a relationship may make them more uncertain. A forced relationship just because to be in a relationship is a bad idea.

Currently, I do not need a relationship too. Many people should first collect themselves from the past wounds and build their new hearts home because the purity of heart is all we have. 

For the heart to be pure, people need to build walls first for a while to understand better what they want from themselves, their lives, and their eventual partner.

When people are not ready to jump into a relationship, they should control their lust for doing the jump because if they don’t, their hearts will be more broken than before. I say it from experience.

Last year, I went straight away from one relationship to another, and I ended up so broken on a deep level that I hardly can heal, but time takes care of me. I wish no one my experience, so I gladly share my piece of wisdom. When people are not ready to give something valuable in their eventual relationship, they should stay single until their heads clear up.

A relationship is giving, and inspiring the partner, not whining, and blaming the universe. My case now is similar because I finally found my “Why not me?” question’s answer. I can’t give any man that flirts or speaks with me what he deserves for a love relationship. 

The reason is that I have more serious work to make myself a whole than to project my disappointment and drama on other people.

I keep myself emotionally unavailable until the time I find myself. That is why I block almost all communication with potential baes in the beginning. I am not proud of this, but it is the best solution for participants in the flirt game because if things go deep, I can’t jump into a serious relationship now, after so many breakups. I do not want to give empty promises or unrealistic hopes.

Another example I can give of not being ready for a relationship is from one of my male friends. He is quite ambitious about his work, and he sees the eventual relationship as a distraction in his work field. That is the reason why he looks only for physical contact with women, but after some adventures, he said to me he doesn’t want to make women pregnant and stays solo until he is ready to commit.

Many people are like me, and him at the moment. In that situation, my opinion is it’s better to not talk about any prospect of a love relationship, and not even think about it if people are not ready to open themselves to others.

When a person is not ready for a relationship in his heart and mind, it’s a high possibility of heartbreak.

Of course, if someone is too brave and patient to break the heart’s walls, meeting the worst behind them, the love magic can happen. But that is almost an unrealistic tale.

Self Thinking

Many people do not go into a relationship because they are not over their ex-partner or love someone else.

They may even not know it or want to accept it. The facts are most relationships fell apart because one of the partners in the new relationship is not over the ex-partner. Or even both partners did not let go of the former lover. They compare the new partner with the old one and can’t accept the personality traits they meet in the current crush.

 Some people love routines, and they change them hardly. That doesn’t work in any relationship because people are different and unique. Adaption and acceptance is the main point in the relations. It happens that some humans use others to forget their ex-lovers. That happened to me too, and it is painful.

Competing with the ex-date is impossible because the current partner and his ex have a long relationship story. The new page of every love it’s written only if both parties want to write it. If only one partner wants to put any effort into the new relationship, it is a matter of time before its end.

When a partner is still in love with another person, nothing can change because feelings are not something that moves from place A to place B, and the heart is also not a thing that can order what and when to do something.

The mind’s logic doesn’t always win when there is a battle between it and the heart.

It is a big mistake when a person still loves somebody else to join a relationship with an innocent human who only wants to be loved and give all the love to the partner. Both sides suffer because the one partner always dreams and imagines things he does with the current partner to have done with the other person he loves.

The worst-case scenario is that the current partner knows the truth and stays in the wrecked relationship because of love. It is ruining. What I mean is when a person makes love with their current partner to see the face of the person they love.

Devastating, yes?

I wish not that feeling even the enemies I have in my life. It is like going to hell and back, losing all dignity, honor, and pride. No one deserves to feel or look pitiful. With one of my ex-partners, I felt that way exactly. Many other people I know have been through a situation like that. It is emotionally and physically burning on a stake.

I have a good friend who said to me that he prefers to be a playboy who looks only for sex because he lacks the will to deal with another person’s feelings. 

At first, I was shocked, but now I understand his point of view better. Many people feel lonely with themselves. They are obsessed with having a relationship with anyone. That makes them anxious and not good in their minds.

I have been in that situation before because the loneliness sometimes is overwhelming.

The forced dealing with other people’s feelings is also destructive for the individual and his life. When in a relationship with someone with unsolved problems, a person can play the role of mother or sister, but not a partner and lover.

After all, everyone has his parents and siblings, and they do not need to replace him with another person.

A serious relationship is when both partners are equal and work for the bond to grow up and become stronger. That is the main point of the family between two people.

However, many people like my friend do not want to play the role of savior, mother, brother, or cousin. That is the right way of thinking.

When someone plays a parent in a relationship for a long time, they lose themselves.

The purpose of a relationship is for two authentic persons to make a wholly happy and strong couple. Otherwise is not needed even to try to make a relationship works. That is what I think.

To have a fulfilling relationship, the partners should work a lot on themselves to make things right. They should go on that adventure with all they have. Dealing with another person’s feelings is not healthy and is not needed because it can become slavery, bringing no positivity to the life of the partners.

In conclusion, the “Why not me?” question has many answers based on people’s experiences, state of mind, or the needs of the body and heart.

Facts about that question give a lot of pain, but also self-awareness. In the unrequited love situation, it is better to look after the real reasons behind the rejection. That knowledge helps not make the same mistakes after the heart heals from the one-sided love.

The truth I can say for sure about my unrequited loves is that they were real for me, and I gave all to the persons I tried to be within a relationship.

After every rejection, I learned more about myself and what I want from a relationship. Of course, I felt broken many times, but I find peace in writing my feelings down on Wattpad because living in neverending love drama sure is not my thing.

Thanks to my one-sided love crowd, I am the strong woman I am today. I do not suggest having too much experience in unrequited love.

Nevertheless, I highly recommend everyone to do a lot of thinking carefully after every breakup or rejection to make sure what made things go wrong. If the reasons are in the person and they projected their uncertainty to another person, it is not good. If the reasons are in another part of the relationship, then the other participants in the dating have a problem with high expectations. High or perfect expectations lead to huge disappointments and a walk away from the potential relationship.

Unrequited love sometimes happens because people do not listen to their inner voices but to others. It doesn’t matter if the others are family, friends, or elders. The pain of one-sided love makes people grow up and upgrade their emotional intelligence level.

Only when they are emotionally stable, comprehensible in their heads, and accept their intuition, does a relationship blossom. Even so, fear of the “Why not me?” question is normal these days, and it is a must for a person to mature.


There is a saying that a broken heart gives the best life lessons.

That is the truth because, without these life lessons, people stay like babies that do not know how to take steps, and always will need someone to guide them. For the perfect relationship, a person should be imperfect but whole.

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