Heart’s memories

Calm sadness to overcome it

July came and with it the second half of the year. I achieved many things, but not even one of these I wanted to make happen this year.

Time is ticking away, and better days will come to me. People start to dig into their situation when the first six months pass.

Summer is the time to love and meet new people, or that is what people say. For me, Summer is equilibrium.

First days of July, I cut ties with four men in my life. For a long time, I stood in negative feelings spirals, and finally, I got the courage to break them free. There is sadness and calmness in my heart and memories that warm my heart when I feel cold.

When people want something new, they should burn the old bridges. Right?

The person’s heart needs to remember only the good because when the negative emotions are bottled inside, that is not the key to moving forward.

But what about the negativity?

It stops people from living. I cleared my emotional luggage with the four men I held on to dear for a long time.

After releasing them in my heart and mind after rational conversations with them, I feel free, and my heart is lighter. I remember only the warmth they all gave me when we were together for years platonically, physically, and daily.

It was not easy for me to let them go, but I stood up on my two feet and decided it was time because my time was flying to stay where I was unwanted.

These men I can connect to my love life periods – spring, summer, autumn, and winter.

The spring.

He was the greatest physical spark I had. We started to write letters on paper when we were teenagers. When we met, it was an enormous attraction we both did not understand and made go further. I suppose he was my soulmate, but we parted ways. It was a romantic breeze that I did not accept, and he did not start anything. Over the years, we met a few times – same spark every time, only different ages.

Last night, we had a two-hour phone call and made clear we will not try to be together ever again. He said we’re too different in our living styles, and there is no point in trying. Maybe we missed our time. Love is abstract when it comes to year-gap meetings. I felt calm, sad, and warm. I had the chance to have something like that in my life. It is a good memory I treasure.

The Summer.

I met him this year. We were together online for two months. I ended up because he is not at his age to commit or accept someone else in his life. His work is his lover. That is why everything between us was hot until the end. Love affirmations, deep talks, and feelings, but from the beginning, I knew we will not last long. He is too ambitious and forgets what having a partner outside the business is.

As a successful and hard-working man, he will always choose his job. Something I maybe can’t relate to. He even wanted me to become his business student to teach me how to invest. I did not want to learn investing at the moment, and I stated my opinion which turned him off.
And with his sexy outlook, many beautiful women will be around him since he falls in love fast.

So, I tried for the last two weeks to contact him to find out he ghosted me. He is with the next girl. I cut off with a painful chest this summertime romance, but I have warm feelings for the connection we built. He is an incredible example of a man that started from zero and became successful in his work. It was a good experience for me to be around that type of guy to understand better how his mind works.

The Autumn.

I am sad for that boy because he was sincere but younger by many years than me – in his springtime. I was a believer before the age in love feelings do not matter, but I am not sure about that anymore.

We started to speak one month ago. It was funny, flirty, and innocent. I enjoyed conversations with him as I would enjoy speaking with a younger brother. Almost every day, he looked for me to talk to. He was bored at first, then interested and hinted he wanted something more of our texting. His youthful way of courting gave me a lot of joy, but I kept my ground as a mature woman. I do not want to ruin his life. Since I saw him as a sibling, I gave my full support and shared my thoughts. We were similar and with the same philosophies for life at some points. But, when he started to speak about the eventual future together in another country, I told him no.

As a single mom, I need to organize many things before going somewhere and starting anew. I should manage time, activities, work, school, and grocery shopping. For that, I need a stable partner that manages his life, not a son I teach him how to handle different and complicated situations in complex living circumstances. I may be am not right, but my feelings said no. He was heartbroken after I rejected him.

But, it was for his better life – he will find a great girl and have a family.

Everyone deserves true love and admiration in a heartfelt way.

The Winter.

That one was my summer lover once – a younger person, a perfect companion, and higher understanding. He is the example of the man all women want – a caring, hard-working, family-oriented, lovemaking partner that helps with home chores. He prefers to stay single and use the women for his fun, though, waiting for “The Perfect One”. It may happen, or it may not in his lifetime. But he has every right and ability to live that way because he always will be desired by many women.

Last year, we were together for four months, and I couldn’t forget him eight months after our breakup. Everything back then was deep, stable, sensual, and almost perfect, except he did not know how to love another person. He became my feelings for winter because, after him, I turned to IceCube in my heart which is closed now. With him, my emotional winter came until I cut ties with him. Maybe my iced bottled heart will melt.

He and I met online, and we were lonely. That made us closer and living in the delusion we have feelings toward each other. Indeed, I had them, and he only looked for fun. The amusing thing was I knew it all along. Even so, I used to believe that love conquers everything. Now I know it is not like that, and I am self-aware. We talked daily for hours and built a strong, unbreakable bond I always wanted to have. And I still do, but my heart is currently closed, and no hero will come and open it because I am in a different age of romance.

I tried to keep the connection one-sided for a very long time, and the reply I got from the winter guy was “he is busy” flirting with the next woman. He used me for my pictures and maybe used them for free porn or something. Men like him usually look for free sex online. I finally found the courage in July to cut him off. My heart is not painful anymore. I am grateful I had the opportunity to feel love like that. It proved I am right to think true love is usually unrequited.

I am not sure why younger men are attracted to me. Maybe it is my energy or because I care about my outlook. It doesn’t matter anymore because I keep taking care of my appearance. Women are beautiful at all ages. They should care for themselves because no one else will.

After summarizing in my head my negative spirals, I can appoint the pros and cons of cutting ties for the best heart’s memories.

PROS: Self-Awareness, Self-Esteem, Self-Growth, Personal Development, Maturity, Self-Love, Knowing People Better, Understanding What The Heart Wants, Feeling Enlightened, Calmness, Moving On, Gratefulness, Good Memories, and Living to Fullest.

CONS: Pain, Sadness, Closed Heart, Broken In Pieces, Loneliness, Trust Issues, Fear of Rejection, Indecision, Running Away From Living, Digging Into The Routine, and Betrayal.

These feelings make human life whole and worth living in terms of rebuilding and becoming a better version of oneself. Whatever happens, people should keep going because life is the only one to waste time in negativity.