It is dedicated to new beginnings that start by overcoming old patterns.
While drinking my wine
In the cheapest of glasses,
I can not deny
My memory’s coming
Back on my mind
To make me remember
How perfectly I lied
My past undevotion
To make up the lines
Of tears that inspire
The pain that arises,
Remember the lovers
Who made me survive
Their most perfect lies
For new of beginning
Going down to revive
The power of believing
Into the past of youth hive
I became more clever
From saving my pride
That gives a reason
To not further forgiving
Down memory line,
I continue reviewing
What should I have undone
To keep me from grieving
Perfection on my own
That indeed is deceiving
In a long time the run
To play unforgiven
And be out of love
The clock stopped ticking
While I listen to Night Jazz
In my rented residence
Dreaming of the future, Alas.
In January 2022, I moved to a rented house with my child. At first, it was an empty place with nothing in it. I made it feel like home – not as beautiful as my last living place, but it was a peaceful space for my new life with my daughter.
At first, I bought a few wine glasses, but I broke most of them, and now are four. I put a lot of furniture in my rented home. I am uncertain how much time I will spend there, but as a free soul, blogger, and Zumba lover, I need my home space.
Recently, I have thought about moving on without my old patterns and seeing them fall apart. It’s somehow weird because it’s like a snake skin that is changed. After so many lies I used to tell myself and unconsciously to all the people I have ever loved, I still seek forgiveness for myself. Maybe it’s egotistical or the way my current life should go on. But, I feel with every fiber of my body there is a need for a drastic change in my life.
Today I am in a bad mood. Since there is no one around physically to listen to me, I will write it down. Usually, people are busy when I need them, and for those, who are not, my preference is to spare their minds peace.
I have always dreamed of someone to read between my silence and harsh words. But, at the same time, I keep them away because of my habit to go through everything alone. It’s a challenge for me to learn how to receive support.
Until today, I haven’t met the hero who breaks my silence walls, so I play my writing superhuman. And I will not beg for attention.
Tonight while I drink my whiskey, thinking about two topics of my recent and disappointing experience: The Vibrator before Lover and The Inhuman Treatment At The Office. To read, or not is up to the readers. I am fed up with fulfilling others’ expectations of me in writing, life, etc., and my current blogger’s reputation is foggy, and it has been a long road.
The Vibrator Before Lover
It’s been a while since I have written about why women deserved red lipstick. My surprise was to find out my post was loved by the male auditory, and the women didn’t understand what I wrote.
I have many male friends because they do not see me as anything more than a buddy. That has been my life’s trend for fifteen years and is the norm for me. A friend of mine told me when I had my breakup last year, he hopes that I was feeling good with a one-night stand or however I satisfy my physical needs. His exact words were: “The original is better than the vibrator,” but for a year I haven’t found an original.
I am not good with one-night stands because for someone to go inside my body, he should captivate my brain.
I am uncertain what is wrong with males today, but those I met last year, were boys, who run away from responsibility. The cult Supernatural Rowena’s quote: “Hello Boys!” fits perfectly for my romantic experience recently.
The other group of males I met, was masculine and flirty, living on their own for so long that they forgot how to courtship women.
Or should I say a woman like me?
Sometimes I feel like cursed because it’s an unwritten rule that intelligent women are not loved by men. On the other side, the beautiful and stupid girls are followed non-stop.
Even if I sound discouraged, and probably males will think I miss the sexual experience, I dare to say men have no taste in female lovers nowadays.
They “have no time,” look for “someone younger and beautiful,” or “have no will to care for other’s drama, including their woman.” The men’s standards are high, but the return receipt is not seen in its true colors.
Or maybe I am wrong? I hope so.
The men long for a real woman – feminine, smart, well-groomed, caring, emotional, etc., but when they meet one, they run away from rejection fear, or because she is older, and has a child. It seems I am not their woman, so my wish to these males is to find the right one for them.
I accepted my reality as a single mom, doing my best for me and my daughter to live better.
The thoughts above are my reasons why I will choose my vibrator until a man dares to flirt with me, accepting me as I am with my child. There is no hope, for now, to meet someone boldly doing that, but it’s not the most important thing in my small world.
People say: “No risk, no Gain,” and maybe they’re right. That is in every life field, including relationships.
The Inhuman Treatment in Office.
I am unsure how is in other countries, but in mine, the employees hired by the government should be people-pleasers and liars who backstab their colleagues in the name of money. They succeed and earn big for that, giving the inhuman treatment in the office, and a new vanity upgrade.
The treatment is usually gossiping or saying things everyone wants to hear. People who are not a part of the crowd are uncomfortable and treated badly.
However, I want to share my experience with that.
Last week, my child was sick and got better on the third day of homestay. I posted on Facebook a picture of us without a purpose for anything. Coming back to work on Monday, I have been blamed for my homestay being illegal. I was said that people from higher places will come to check my list for missing work.
Officially, I have documents to prove my stay at home. My boss told me I need to write an apology because I posted on my Facebook public profile pictures while I haven’t been at work. It was a paradoxical situation.
I wrote my opinion regarding the matter, using as a basis the text of the European Convention on Human Rights. I won the debate, but the problem is about human principles and morals.
It’s a proven fact that when bosses want to fire an employee, they use every possible insult to do so. I am still at work but got a lawyer because I will defend my human rights one way or another.
Until today, the question of my Facebook profile is still discussed, which is funny. It proves people are bored and lazy to work. They do not do anything else outside checking social media. It wasn’t an unexpected situation because I always speak my truth which is not good to hear.
But, I am surprised by how low can my colleagues and people, in general, go. Every time I face a situation like that in my professional or personal life is an insult.
Sadly, the inhuman treatment at the office is still happening. I am ashamed to call myself a human sometimes. It would be better if I was a cat.
In many countries, people have the choice to leave their unfulfilling jobs, but in Bulgaria is not like that, or at least for me at the moment, because the child needs financial security. However, I keep trying to do my best, leave that sad, boring job, and soar. I know it will take time, but my power is my will, and never give up before the challenges. The first step is always the hardest.
So, What is the commonality between the Vibrator and The informal Treatment?
Both insult human personalities and make people become hermits. It’s the way the world spins around, and until minds don’t change, it will be like that.
The rejection from a potential love interest and the office’s inhuman treatment are alike in terms they shatter the human heart. It takes time to rebuild, but it’s better for people to take months or years to reconstruct themselves from the challenges than staying in a depression hole, filled with darkness, apathy, and fears. Challenges are the factors that build confidence and a continuous fighting spirit.
Ending up alone, single, or jobless is not scary, but sitting in heart’s ruins without hope’s light is.
Another common trait between Vibrator and the Informal Office’s treatment is the lack of originals – men and leaders who inspire others. Probably, from a male’s point of view, the same goes for women. The truth is simple: partners should give equal attention, communication, and love to each other, and the employees should receive what they work for at the office.
That is for regular daily work hours jobs. When it comes to some careers, leadership receives another meaning, and it consists of many skills, human attitudes, and sincere interest toward the team members. Building a strong and healthy team happens with human treatment. Someday I will dig into that too since I live in my blog. 🙂
“Freedom, Sancho, is one of the most precious gifts that heaven has bestowed upon men; no treasures that the earth holds buried or the sea conceals can compare with it” is my favorite quote from “Don Quixote” book I love and use as my life pattern.
Thank you for reading, and remember that even if that is only me, I believe in all my readers because I have been in situations when no one believed in me.