The Criticism Blindfold Should Be Removed

The Criticism Blindfolds Should be Removed

The Criticism Blindfold Should Be Removed

is

Dedicated to so-called “constructive criticism.”

As of today, my thinking confession will be about the criticism I received recently verbally and nonverbally. It’s not about whining about who is right and wrong. It’s about objective thinking.

There are some powerful days in life. Then someone else’s critical words or attitude make people realize they are not on the right track in their lives. Yesterday, I got a day like that. It was an enlighting day regarding my Zumba instructor situation and a significant relationship I misunderstood for something more than it is.

At first, my shock overwhelmed me. The next second it was like my heart said: “I told you so long ago.” 

My criticism blindfold should be removed.

I did my Zumba training as usual at 8 pm for the fourth time per week. One person was registered as usual in my classes because some people prefer one on one training. I followed the steps of Zumba Volume 103. They are still new and I do not know all of them perfectly yet.

However, the student who joined didn’t interact much as usual, because she was up for the dance. My child was at home as always, dancing with me. When dancing, I do my best. My daughter sometimes talks too much when she is online with me. I do not think that is a serious problem because virtual classes usually are at home. Weird situations may happen.

After the class, I read a critical comment from the student who joined the class.  I am grateful for that knowledge and newfound wisdom.

The student told she wasted her time and money. Since time can’t be turned back, I reinstated her money. My belief is professionals should respect their client’s opinions and capital. If there is no happiness after a purchase, money should be reinstated if possible.

What did I learn from that unusual experience?

It’s possible my work ethic for Zumba classes is not yet structured well. Since August last year, I am a Zumba Instructor.  It was my goal to become one and spread my love of dancing. It’s like the inspiration in a physical way which is well for everyone. Staying fit, positive, and smiling always wins daily life’s battles.

The main lesson from my recent comment and the last few visits to my Zumba classes is I should put more time into practicing steps. Being an innovator also would help me a lot. But, it seems to me that my timing to become a Zumba instructor is not good because physically. I can’t invest in it 100 %.

Still, my love for dancing is never-ending and I keep doing it. Right said, Zumba always will be my passion, and even if I don’t teach now, later in my life that is an undeniable fact.

As with everything else, dancing takes time to practice and become professional. That is what I concentrate on from now onwards. It’s also a fact that my start with Zumba was late – at 35 years old I started dancing Zumba as a student. It’s better later than never, though.

Constructive criticism always leads to enlightenment.

Since the negative comment opened my eyes to my Zumba practice, I restructured my plan about it. The reason for my love of dancing and working for it lies in the will to be productive in inspiring others to do the same. Whatever it takes, my five classes for the week will not change. Zumba gives me hope, positive vibes, and a lust to live. It doesn’t matter if I have one or no students at all as long as I do not drown in the negativity of life I am currently experiencing.

Another Brick in The Wall of “Constructive Criticism”

Nine months ago, I found myself in a “situationship.” That is a partnership without definition. It’s unclear if both partners are going steady, in friendship, a long-distant relationship, or dating. Many phases have been in it – from long hours talking on the phone, endless messages on most of my side toward the receiver, sleeping together, flirting and going on-off between words and actions.

Two physical dates didn’t give me a clear answer about where I am with that person. Yesterday, after a week of no talking or messaging, I decided to make a phone call. As usual, doing the first step to clear a situation doesn’t bother me. When there is a problem, I want to resolve it as fast as possible. My delusions that the man  I was involved with, thinks about me, shattered.

Or maybe I have insulted or made him sad unconsciously? Not even a dime about it on his side. He was sound and happy out with friends with whom he drove four hours to be.

That never happened between us since we are four hours driving apart. I finally understood that everything was only in my head, but for him, everything was clear from the start – long-distant friendship above all and nothing more. It’s not something my gut didn’t aware me through these months, but my romantic side and will for a serious relationship were more powerful.

By the way, the man told me around five times we live differently, he is not the one I need, my child is not his, etc. but as a believer in true love and the power of my intense feelings. I thought that is based on fear or unwillingness to commit and it may be but I do not care anymore. For me, it came to a point of no return in that relationship that lasted 22 years.

I am grateful it happened that way. Now I can concentrate on my work until a man who knows what he wants comes to find me one way or another. I may wait until my life ends but my intuition tells me to save my face.

You know, I feel humiliated by these men I gave everything for nothing in return even if that’s a proper breakup. But thanks to them now I proudly can live all by myself for my child.

It’s popular these days to have situationship, friends with benefits, and other similar things without engagement. There were red flags I ignored because of my blind love for the personality of that man. As a retro person, I still believe in true romantic, gentle love and there it is but only in my written love stories.

However, that time I didn’t shed a tear as usual in my past unrequited loves. While I write now it’s more like a self-sarcasm than pain. My intuition never lied to me. The blindfolds should be removed. I knew from the start of that situationship it will finish.

Why something that didn’t happen twenty-two years ago between two persons should become a reality today?  It’s rare and almost impossible.

Currently, I feel highly uncertain if I want to date anymore with anyone. If the experience will be like my past five want-to-be dates, it’s better to sit on my butt, doing Zumba, writing love stories, and travel with my child. The disappointment for myself and men is challenging to explain.  I may have some admirers who didn’t try to come to me, watching me from afar, but I don’t know them.

I would give everyone a chance to have a coffee and talk, but a step should be made and if people don’t try and risk, they will gain nothing at all. My will to do the first steps toward someone faded away into my life’s ocean. That is the reason I started working so much and like crazy. I do not want to think because my wounds still aren’t healed. End of story.

Should I become lesbian or asexual? I am unsure, but a good friend of mine is and she seems happy, living the best life for herself.

Everything is a matter of choice and it seems in my life also came a moment to decide what to do from now on. Right said I am like a free bird that has nothing to lose in my current situation. In the town where I currently live, I have nothing. There are no family members, no partner whose loves to give me wings, not many good friends to stay by my side, and no work that makes me proud or earns me enough money to pay bills. It’s not complaining, but facts.

Why should I stay here? Not many reasons.

My possession is a few souvenirs, a laptop, and a car and everything else is bills or taxes. The good thing is my child is happy at her school and Burgas has a sea. That is not enough for me to stay so the only way out is to go back to my hometown after my daughter finishes school in May. Going back is not my thing, but staying in an empty life place also is not. My dignity and pride say I am at a crossroads which makes my life better at some point.

Since I have a great humor sense that saved me many times, I continue to believe in miracles. There is nothing else to motivate me outside my Zumba classes and Poetry writing. Positive vibes are the ones I create by channeling my intense, passionate, and deep love into my activities since there is no pet or family outside my child to do so.

The Blindfold should be removed.

I finished my Poetry book on MS Office Word to find out I lack the skills for self-publishing. Currently, I wonder if I should put the book in that unprofessional outlook on my blog to sell or look for a publisher that can make it prettier for a sum of money that I don’t have. Every month I am out on zero money after paying bills and taxes.

However, it’s good my blindfold is removed to see the things around me as they are without delusional thinking. It’s somehow intoxicating and brings out my fighting spirit that was deep asleep since my empty looking for love in places where there is none for myself.

Regarding my “Mori Monologues” Poetry books maybe it would be better to look for professional help because physically my time is limited. As per my budget, it maybe will good to cut it more since I don’t have the physical time to work a second job because my child needs me more than everything else. Unfortunately, in Bulgaria, there are not many jobs online or maybe I didn’t dig deep enough about them.  That would be a new challenge for me – to look more. There is nothing else for me than my child and eventual work opportunities.

It’s a fact today I am where I am because of my past choices. Some of them were challenging and unhealthy. I am thankful the recent events opened my eyes to reality. Now is the time to face my worst fears of poverty, loneliness, and feeling unprofessional to overcome them.

Thank you for reading, and I hope you start to think about yourselves without blindfolds.

 

 

 

Building Walls Between People

Building Walls Between People

Building Walls Between People

is

Another Thinking Confession For Overthinkers And Emotionally Neglected Children

Originally, I was planning to finish my Dubai travel post today. But, as expected, my creative writer’s heart didn’t agree with my logical mind.

I use one astrology application called “Co-Star” to check my horoscope. Sometimes the words written in it, make sense. There is a quote I like: “Heart and mind shouldn’t conflict,” but unfortunately in my case, it’s mostly like that.

However, today I started to think about building walls between myself and people. It’s uncertain if that is a good way of doing things, but surely nobody loves the feeling of dead weight to another person, especially an important one.

Recently, I dig too much as a typical overthinker and a child with past emotional neglect, building walls.

Parents often do mistakes without understanding them. It causes emotional neglect to their children. That brings serious consequences in adult life. The lack of parental emotional attention and physical showing of support makes the child a survivor but causes problems in communication. That attracts mutual unemotionality between people.

Information about the topic of emotional neglect can be found everywhere on the Internet, but I want to share the consequences through my life lens. My writing is always based on experience and not on theories and readings.

Reasons for Building Walls Between People

Shame

Feeling ashamed is unacceptable, but recently I found out it’s somehow healing. Naming the past mistake in action and accepting it, even if it was a painful experience, brings emotional health into a better shape. One of the reasons for building my walls with people is that I feel ashamed of my past actions toward many of them and especially close ones.

Today was my start to look at my recent and somehow shameful actions. In my opinion, they were like that. Compassion and pity will not bring me salvation, because the past clearly can not be changed. It’s something I need to accept, understand and outwear.

Still, it hurts me,  looking back at the situation. But, keeping my ground with my two feet, always made me proud and motivated to move on.

Thinking Of The Past.

Everyone says people should look into the present, but it’s based on the past and ideas for the future. Of course, overthinking the past is not the greatest idea but it shouldn’t be forgotten. People should not hide from the past but remember it dearly in their hearts. That helps them grow and create a better life aura, karma, or whatever they name it.

Overthinking is not advisable, because when it’s prolonged, people become stagnant in their lives. It’s good to have a reasonable period to analyze the situation and discipline to follow it. For example, one day to accept the situation, second to feel it, and third to continue moving on with life, because time never turns back.

Lack Of Self-Compassion

That is the main problem for everyone. I always look first at my mistakes when something goes wrong. It’s still challenging for me to accept that I did my best in a certain situation. My harsh words and feelings toward myself destructed me many times but I revived as a phoenix from ashes. Even so, Self-compassion is challenging to apply, especially when someone grew up without parental emotional love. It’s undeniable fact my parents always provided for me financially, but never invested in my feelings, talents, and supporting my dreams.

However, my gratitude toward them is never-ending. I do my best to avoid that pattern while raising my daughter as a single parent.

For the protocol, my parents were separated unofficially. My mother never stood on her own two feet because she was financially dependent and didn’t try to move on alone. Many women today are like her and I do not blame anyone for anything. It takes courage to become a single parent and risk becoming financially unstable, broken, and living alone with the child until it grows up.

I had two choices: going back with my ex for the money or my hometown to survive. My choice was to stay on my own because I can not live with someone I do not even love. Following my heart is the golden string I follow all my life.

It’s pitiful, humiliating, and insulting to move in with someone without any feelings. So, my understanding of today’s reality of single parenthood is good. Courage is a blessing that not many people have.

Hiding From Facing The Situation

Hiding is a well-known method to avoid uncomfortable situations. Recently, I started doing it because I got too much on my plate. Soon that situation will change. Now, I want to hide because of my need to process everything that happened for the last few months and recharge. But, hiding is never a good idea although sometimes is needed.

Many humans hide forever and build walls. Not many people want to break others’ defenses. It’s a matter of choice, bravery, and depth of feelings.

These are the reasons to build walls between people. Only the closest ones will understand the pain their friends, lovers, parents, or children go through if they want.

Will the close-to-heart people give a hand or not?

In most cases no. Usual sentences are: “I do not want to interrupt,” “I don’t need others’ dramas, “I do not understand,” Why the hell should I care for someone else outside myself?” etc.

However, few people will go through fire for their friends, partners, etc. If you have someone like that in your circle, protect them with everything you got.

For today, my confession ends here. I am happy that you read me and my way to go out of depression is to dance through it. My belief is humans should have their ways to keep going in life. If not, finding them is a must.

%d bloggers like this: