Why Not Me?

Why Not Me?

That question always made me wonder. It is of great significance for men and women. Relationships between people are complicated.
When we speak about love relationships, especially unrequited, feelings the situation becomes more complex.

“Why not me?” is always the first question when we see we fall for someone who is cold and distant toward us or gives mixed signals.

Since I have rich experience in overthinking the “Why not me?” question because my unrequited loves are a crowd, I will try to answer it sincerely. It may help all who take the time to read what I have written, and they can find themselves in my words.
The bright side of one-sided love is that every time a person gets rejected, that becomes expected, and it doesn’t hurt too much.

Sometimes it is funny how people that reject you try to play innocent.

They show they are worried, but indeed they are not. Of all rejecting lines, the most popular is “I see you as a friend” or “I do not love you as more than a friend”.
Both sentences are hypocritical because why do people flirt with just a friend?
They should say they do not like you, hurt others hard, and make them move on with their dignity and honor. People need to walk away gracefully from those who cause them pain. The friendship story’s crap people tell because of politeness.
But that politeness will not save a person’s heart from breaking. There is a big difference between friendship and love, in my opinion. Friends can become lovers, but lovers back to friends rarely.
In the case of rejection of a friend in the first stages of falling in love, it is possible to become a strong friendship after some time apart, when the rejected person heals.

The pain of rejection is intoxicating and a wake-up call.

There is a pearl of old wisdom “What doesn’t kill you, make you stronger” – and it is just like that. As soon as people walk away from the unrequited love, they become persons with a stronger mentality. I know it is hard to let go of someone who liked or loved deeply, but the ties with the one-sided love should cut at least for a while until the mind and heart calm down.
After all, at the end of life, people have only themselves. Throughout the life journey, the persons should be the best version of themselves toward other humans and living beings. Giving as much kindness as people should not be for the price of self-sacrifice. After all, self-worth attracts love and understanding.

Now, let’s see the “Why not me?” question’s reasons:

Not ready for a relationship;

Not over the ex-lover or loving someone else;

Lack of will to deal with another’s personal feelings;

Not being ready for a relationship;

In today’s life, that situation is the most common reason to not step into a relationship. Many people are obsessed with their work and problems with their parents or siblings. Or they do not want to have a relationship at the current moment in their lives. That is perfectly fine because when people have no peace of mind or clear vision of what they want, a relationship may make them more uncertain. A forced relationship just because to be in a relationship is a bad idea.

Currently, I do not need a relationship too. Many people should first collect themselves from the past wounds and build their new hearts home because the purity of heart is all we have. 

For the heart to be pure, people need to build walls first for a while to understand better what they want from themselves, their lives, and their eventual partner.

When people are not ready to jump into a relationship, they should control their lust for doing the jump because if they don’t, their hearts will be more broken than before. I say it from experience.

Last year, I went straight away from one relationship to another, and I ended up so broken on a deep level that I hardly can heal, but time takes care of me. I wish no one my experience, so I gladly share my piece of wisdom. When people are not ready to give something valuable in their eventual relationship, they should stay single until their heads clear up.

A relationship is giving, and inspiring the partner, not whining, and blaming the universe. My case now is similar because I finally found my “Why not me?” question’s answer. I can’t give any man that flirts or speaks with me what he deserves for a love relationship. 

The reason is that I have more serious work to make myself a whole than to project my disappointment and drama on other people.

I keep myself emotionally unavailable until the time I find myself. That is why I block almost all communication with potential baes in the beginning. I am not proud of this, but it is the best solution for participants in the flirt game because if things go deep, I can’t jump into a serious relationship now, after so many breakups. I do not want to give empty promises or unrealistic hopes.

Another example I can give of not being ready for a relationship is from one of my male friends. He is quite ambitious about his work, and he sees the eventual relationship as a distraction in his work field. That is the reason why he looks only for physical contact with women, but after some adventures, he said to me he doesn’t want to make women pregnant and stays solo until he is ready to commit.

Many people are like me, and him at the moment. In that situation, my opinion is it’s better to not talk about any prospect of a love relationship, and not even think about it if people are not ready to open themselves to others.

When a person is not ready for a relationship in his heart and mind, it’s a high possibility of heartbreak.

Of course, if someone is too brave and patient to break the heart’s walls, meeting the worst behind them, the love magic can happen. But that is almost an unrealistic tale.

Self Thinking

Many people do not go into a relationship because they are not over their ex-partner or love someone else.

They may even not know it or want to accept it. The facts are most relationships fell apart because one of the partners in the new relationship is not over the ex-partner. Or even both partners did not let go of the former lover. They compare the new partner with the old one and can’t accept the personality traits they meet in the current crush.

 Some people love routines, and they change them hardly. That doesn’t work in any relationship because people are different and unique. Adaption and acceptance is the main point in the relations. It happens that some humans use others to forget their ex-lovers. That happened to me too, and it is painful.

Competing with the ex-date is impossible because the current partner and his ex have a long relationship story. The new page of every love it’s written only if both parties want to write it. If only one partner wants to put any effort into the new relationship, it is a matter of time before its end.

When a partner is still in love with another person, nothing can change because feelings are not something that moves from place A to place B, and the heart is also not a thing that can order what and when to do something.

The mind’s logic doesn’t always win when there is a battle between it and the heart.

It is a big mistake when a person still loves somebody else to join a relationship with an innocent human who only wants to be loved and give all the love to the partner. Both sides suffer because the one partner always dreams and imagines things he does with the current partner to have done with the other person he loves.

The worst-case scenario is that the current partner knows the truth and stays in the wrecked relationship because of love. It is ruining. What I mean is when a person makes love with their current partner to see the face of the person they love.

Devastating, yes?

I wish not that feeling even the enemies I have in my life. It is like going to hell and back, losing all dignity, honor, and pride. No one deserves to feel or look pitiful. With one of my ex-partners, I felt that way exactly. Many other people I know have been through a situation like that. It is emotionally and physically burning on a stake.

I have a good friend who said to me that he prefers to be a playboy who looks only for sex because he lacks the will to deal with another person’s feelings. 

At first, I was shocked, but now I understand his point of view better. Many people feel lonely with themselves. They are obsessed with having a relationship with anyone. That makes them anxious and not good in their minds.

I have been in that situation before because the loneliness sometimes is overwhelming.

The forced dealing with other people’s feelings is also destructive for the individual and his life. When in a relationship with someone with unsolved problems, a person can play the role of mother or sister, but not a partner and lover.

After all, everyone has his parents and siblings, and they do not need to replace him with another person.

A serious relationship is when both partners are equal and work for the bond to grow up and become stronger. That is the main point of the family between two people.

However, many people like my friend do not want to play the role of savior, mother, brother, or cousin. That is the right way of thinking.

When someone plays a parent in a relationship for a long time, they lose themselves.

The purpose of a relationship is for two authentic persons to make a wholly happy and strong couple. Otherwise is not needed even to try to make a relationship works. That is what I think.

To have a fulfilling relationship, the partners should work a lot on themselves to make things right. They should go on that adventure with all they have. Dealing with another person’s feelings is not healthy and is not needed because it can become slavery, bringing no positivity to the life of the partners.

In conclusion, the “Why not me?” question has many answers based on people’s experiences, state of mind, or the needs of the body and heart.

Facts about that question give a lot of pain, but also self-awareness. In the unrequited love situation, it is better to look after the real reasons behind the rejection. That knowledge helps not make the same mistakes after the heart heals from the one-sided love.

The truth I can say for sure about my unrequited loves is that they were real for me, and I gave all to the persons I tried to be within a relationship.

After every rejection, I learned more about myself and what I want from a relationship. Of course, I felt broken many times, but I find peace in writing my feelings down on Wattpad because living in neverending love drama sure is not my thing.

Thanks to my one-sided love crowd, I am the strong woman I am today. I do not suggest having too much experience in unrequited love.

Nevertheless, I highly recommend everyone to do a lot of thinking carefully after every breakup or rejection to make sure what made things go wrong. If the reasons are in the person and they projected their uncertainty to another person, it is not good. If the reasons are in another part of the relationship, then the other participants in the dating have a problem with high expectations. High or perfect expectations lead to huge disappointments and a walk away from the potential relationship.

Unrequited love sometimes happens because people do not listen to their inner voices but to others. It doesn’t matter if the others are family, friends, or elders. The pain of one-sided love makes people grow up and upgrade their emotional intelligence level.

Only when they are emotionally stable, comprehensible in their heads, and accept their intuition, does a relationship blossom. Even so, fear of the “Why not me?” question is normal these days, and it is a must for a person to mature.

There is a saying that a broken heart gives the best life lessons.

That is the truth because, without these life lessons, people stay like babies that do not know how to take steps, and always will need someone to guide them. For the perfect relationship, a person should be imperfect but whole.

Distant Commitment Is The New Trend

That Brings The Relationship To The Unknown

Today is interesting to have a love relationship. I name it distant commitment.

Usually, the relationships start online or like long-distance ones. When it starts, both parties have their own lives and enjoy this type of relationship.
I called it distant commitment because it sounds right to me. Between the time for real-life family members, work, and own things to do, the virtual partners stay far behind in priorities of each other.
This situation is like: I am with you, but only when I have time. That is not bad, though, because partners stay independent. They develop themselves as persons, and when they need someone to talk they speak to each other.
But this is not a real commitment. It is like an illusion that will stay the same if both partners don’t make things more realistic. They should give a deadline for when their relationship goes real. It doesn’t matter will the communication goes over the phone or on video chat.

If both partners care for each other seriously, they will make a slight commitment. They hear out each other and have regular video meetings or phone calls. There should be a connection for the distant commitment to become a real one.
That happens only if the partners are ready for a relationship.

Many people were hurt.

While women always keep looking for love outside sexual boundaries and want to go deeper into soul connections, men do not want to deal with too many emotions.

That way, in the distant commitment male’s part of the relationship, goes sexually dependent and satisfied. Meanwhile, the women’s side of this type of relation creates illusions that fill the mind with pink and idealistic visions.

But until when?

Probably until it makes both partners happy with this.
The truth for distant commitment looks bright for people who do not want to commit to the relationship and prefer to live in their own mind’s world. And why not since there is someone else that allows that to happen.
Distant commitment is not a real commitment to a couple’s relationship. It becomes real when there are more than only words in your free time. Under more, I mean sincere interest, respect, and communication. If they miss, the distant commitment will stay longer.

At some point in the relationship, one of the persons wakes up from the pink bubble dream and moves out of this imaginary relationship.

When the person moves out, it may be completely broken. My thought is the distant commitment is not worth it if both sides do not want to engage in a real relationship. That can happen if both sides have mutual feelings, shown with actions.

Everyone can speak great words, after all. But many people fear committing and prefer this kind of relationship.

Reasons for choosing this type of relationship for people are:

  1. Fear from a broken heart

  2. Past toxic relationship

  3. Unreadiness to commit

  4. No will to have a relationship

  5. Comfort in their single life as it is

Fear from a broken heart.

That is the most common reason for distant commitment. When people experience many one-sided loves and dumping, they have felt too many times hurt and built walls. They expect the next man or woman they meet will reject them too.

Usually, it happens like that. Because what people create in their minds is what they attract. Rejection is not a good thing, but it gives options. Depending on the point of view after the rejection, people see an opportunity to grow or an isolated exit from their future love life.

Choices are made by the individuals, of their own accord.

If persons see the opportunity to grow, they will know what they can do if another rejection happens and get by it easier. Choosing an isolated exit to love life, people make the same mistakes with different partners. Heart always will be broken from smaller or bigger life situations, especially when it comes to love and relationships.

Living together with another person, or dating them, is always a challenge. It needs a lot of work and heart’s walls falling. If opening the heart doesn’t happen, there is no relationship and no commitment.
Every breakup and rejection is hard for people. But without them, a person can not grow and be who is it in the present. I do not mean people should go fast after another partner when their heart is broken or seek someone who breaks their heart.

However, isolating is not the answer.

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Past toxic relationships.

They are a serious reason for the distant commitment. When people are in love, they are blinded.

At first, the meeting with a potential partner is about body chemistry. When the sex desire is consuming, and the two people move in together, problems arise. If they rely only on sexual attraction, it is a matter of time for this aspect to turn their relationship toxic. It may even lead to aggressive sexual abuse or too many quarrels if the body’s needs are not satisfied.

When there is a lack of emotional and communicational bonds, it is easy once strong sexual attraction to turns into toxic and violent abuse.

Partners are so interested only in their bodies that they become obsessive.

When sexual activity is not the same as in the first encounters between the couple, there is a high possibility that leads to abusive extremes in the relationship between both partners.

Sexual tension between two people is a good thing, but not in the long term or when it comes to commitment.

Many people believe that when they have great intimate life every other problem in the relationship between them will be solved.

My last relationship also started as “love at first sight” with too much passion and chemistry. In the end, I lost myself in all the toxic situations I got – from quarrels to unacceptance of myself by the other person.

The lack of emotional communication turns the stones of the relationship that started only from sexual attraction. It makes the once beautiful relationship that filled the partner’s heads with joy and excitement toxic.

Good songs that explain good toxic relationships are Rhianna’s and Eminem’s “Love the way you lie” songs.

Some people are so blindly in love with the illusion or the body of their partner.

They go to an extreme to obsess with their partner because their love is like a sickness.

Some individuals like it, others do not, but the truth is that when there is a past toxic relations experience, there is no such a thing as commitment. The fear is too big.

People hope the same to not happen as in former relationships. That is a huge mistake, and it should be fixed by self-healing or even going to a psychologist.

The former toxic relationships create a stop for the persons to open their hearts and accept eventual new lovers. The trauma is too deep and needs a lot of time to heal. People with past toxic relationships fear being loved in the wrong way and lack self-love. We all know that when there is no self-love is hard to love someone else. It is needed strong encouragement and love to move out from the mindset of past toxic relationships.

Distant commitment in these situations is preferred by the people who do not want a serious relationship because they feel it is safer to commit not in reality.

But, I tell again, the distant commitment outside sincere communication and clear signals is nothing more than just a dream about some spectacular romance found in the books.

Unreadiness to commit.

That is the main reason people choose distant commitment.

Many people grew up in bad family situations. They decide they will not marry and have only fun with other partners. When they feel something more toward a potential date, they run away from responsibility toward the other person.

The reason is they saw how the things between their parents did not work and were fake.

On a subconscious level, the individual fears he makes the same mistake in choosing the wrong partner as the parents and has an unpleasant situation. That makes the person not ready to commit.

Being in distant commitment is intoxicating for unready for commitment people. They can say they have a relationship, are false in their own eyes and the eyes of others, and believe they have someone. In their mind everything is possible.

When they have the time they chat with their crush.

The feeling about it is good because the writing is without sincere care for the needs of another partner. Unreadiness to commit can be gone through if the person wants to try going out of the self-built feeling’s walls. That happens sooner or later, but when the time is too far in the future, the eventual partner from the distant commitment is long gone.

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No will to have a relationship

That is also often met in the present relationship’s situations.

Many people are self-sufficient and do not want a relationship because they do not want to deal with other people’s emotions.

Some of those who do not want a relationship are narcissists, and they look for one only to show themselves they are still wanted and unique.

People who work too much, and have high ambitions, sometimes do not want relationships. They fear they make them distracted.

But, the right partner never will distract the loved one if there is mutual acceptance and understanding.

Some individuals were disappointed in all kinds of relationships so much that they isolate themselves from any human contact. They prefer not to communicate with other people and usually transfer their love to the animals.  

Everyone has been betrayed many times in their lives. It is about the choice to close your mind, heart, and body to others or not.

Relationships – business or emotional, are inevitable, as much as persons run from them. It is better to be accepted.

In the end, all people do in their lives starts and finishes with other’s people participation. For that reason, the distant commitment I speak about is also a safer place for narcissists and people who do not want relationships.

But, at some point, they get tired of this writing and not feeling close to other human bodies. If they do not, well, that is stubbornness and will that made me envious. I tell that again, it is about choices people make daily.

But the real commitment needs two bodies and souls that inspire each other. Just because it is clear that people look for a place they can go into by the psychology.

Comfort in their single life as it is.

People’s single life is a temporary situation in which they need to recollect themselves. Distant commitment is well for a short-term relationship if the two people do not want to go deeper at the moment. But they usually know it is not a real thing, but prefer to stay in distant commitments because they do not want to leave their single life. And that is okay, but only if it is temporary.

Usually, people that broke up go fast into distant commitments to fill the void of last love. They feel treasured and filled with the emotional holes of not being appreciated. They perfectly know that and do not want something more than writing with unknown people. It is like writing psychological talk that makes them feel better.

But they begin to feel emotionally attached, and this can turn the newly found relationship.

The Distant commitment is a good beginning of something serious, but sometimes it can lead to another toxic relationship.

Usually, when two people in distant commitment relations meet, they go for sex most of the time. After that, the relationship goes down to the starting point of the meeting between two strangers. The distant commitment fling finishes as fast as it began. That is not in all cases.

Until the distant commitment lasts, both participants in it may mature and build a strong connection.

In different cases, the distant commitment may turn into a beautiful relationship. That depends on the feelings that are put in it by both partners and the bond they created. The time they spent together is of importance. If it is quality time and they stood by each other’s side in the distant commitment issues.

That transforms the relationship into a strong union between two minds. When the minds are connected, bodies naturally follow that connection. As a romanticist, I can say some distant commitments end like a fairytale. I wish everyone that.

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But what is the difference between distant commitment, casual relationship, and friends with benefits relationship?

You can read a lot about these topics on the Internet. I have read too much about them too, but I do not add sources. I state my opinion.
Distant commitment: I write you when I have time, and I do not care what will happen or when you write me back.

A casual relationship: We always have someone to cuddle, do sex with, and spend time together, but that doesn’t mean I am interested in a commitment to you.

Friends with benefits: We are great friends and meet our needs in sex, but that will not make us lovers or go in the long-term romance run.

The conclusion is that all of these types of relationships have the potential to be true love, soulmates meetings, or even long-time marriages. The components in these relations are how much people want to invest in them as time, feelings, and communication. When starting any kind of relationship, both partners should make clear to each other what they do. They should be clear about how happy are they in their relationships.

Did they overcome the fears that can make them distant?

In my opinion, all these relationships stay fake until both partners do not decide to break up or commit.

Of course, they should spend a lot of time talking to make clear what they want.

Every distant relationship – commitment, casual or beneficial needs to have a deadline. I mean when the relationship will end or be closer in terms of moving to another partner’s life. I know my statement sounds not good, but we all have one life to live to waste it with something illusional.

If we love or like someone, we need to be closer physically. Not for sex, but for a supporting shoulder if the partner needs it.

Even if there is a risk, people should think carefully about what they want from their relationships. Otherwise, both partners will be hurt. I never start a long-distance relationship if I do not intend to make it close to one in a certain period.

But many people keep up with the flow of life.

It is about the choice once again.

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