Some Closures Are Unexpected And Other – Fated

Some Closures are Unexpected and other - fated

Some Closures Are Unexpected And Other – Fated

is dedicated simply to individual intuition.

Sometimes the closures come unexpectedly. It’s valid both for relationships, friendships, business partnerships, and people in general.

Yesterday the sister of a man I loved one-sided died in his arms. As a friend, I acted like one and called to show emotional support despite the circumstances between us. It’s my nature to act humanely and tolerant even to those who treated me no good. That is my vulnerability and I am not afraid to share it anymore.

It was a clear sign our fated closure with him became a fact.

My intuition always told me is not my place in his world, among his close friends in another town, and life in general. He tried to tell me that many times and I felt it but I thought is only based on my negative mindset back then. It wasn’t. I should listen better to my intuition and now know my freedom to go on a different life path than him is an opened window.

As an enamored woman and loyal friend, my first questions were: “Should I come to you? Do you want me to be there?” and his reply cut: “No need to drive so many hours” – the emotion was deep and his sadness too, but between the lines I read clearly: “Leave me alone” and I did.

I always knew we end up like that but tried to play it cool to the last breath of that relationship. “Look, you can always count on me for everything and whenever you decide, call me at least to listen to you,” and his final words: “Thank you. I call you sometime,” but that moment will not come. It’s pretty well known when a man or woman says sometimes means sounding “No” or “Never.”

However, his younger sister’s death was unexpected and sad but somehow known because she was very sick.

The only thing I could do for that man yesterday was to pray for him and his sister. I believe she is in a better place and always will watch over him. I sent my positive and new-found powerful energy into space to support my loved one last time. My hope is it did reach him.

And what I started to do after finally understanding once again some love is not meant to be?

My talent once was drawing with colored pencils. It was asleep for the last twenty years. Yesterday was the day to wake up my colorful thinking and self-indulging in the drawing. Today I found myself heading back to my once-lost and forgotten dream to paint abstract flowers.

It’s weird, right?

I do not mind anymore what other people think. Between the closures with people in my life, I have reborn my authentic self and the long-forgotten joys of life. Starting today, I will draw with my colored pencils and thoughts, showing my daughter what is to enjoy a life that is found in little things.

Even if I am not like Frida Khalo, my energy is high and oriented to my woken-up ability. It’s the only way to survive in a world where people step over others’ feelings and do not care much for someone outside themselves. I draw and will show the meaning of small joys to everyone who dares to read outside the lines of pathetic, framed, and materialistic thinking.

It’s fact people are different, but that most are conformists is also a proven truth.

Closures between them are known to happen by personal intuition since the first time both people meet. The trap is that one believes things will change because he wants to, but the heart knows best. When there is no immediate attraction on a deeper level, every kind of relationship will fall apart with time.

The sad truth about unexpected closures is people are not prepared to grieve a lost lover, family member, or failed job plan. But it’s meant to happen for a person to grow and find their true purpose while becoming better for themselves. Like I did with find finding again my will to draw.

On the other side, fated closures are born from personal uncertainty and low self-esteem from past situations that are not healed or fears which are not faced.  My fears were my outlook and weird creative personality acceptance. There was a sincere disinterest toward me by my family members and unrequited lovers in the past. It took me a lot of time, tears, and projected drama to overcome them all.  It was also my temper most of the time but I succeed in learning from the closures I received.

For example, the men I met in my life became better persons, even over my broken heart.

My happiness lies in the fact I supported and inspired them. It’s always a good feeling when helping someone and lifting him. The closure with them was fated and I knew it from the first time I met them but didn’t listen to my intuition. I wanted to feel more than what could be given by these males for me.

Knowing that all along is pitiful, but people love to think they have found the best business partner, friend, or date. The duality essence lies in the human mind and heart every time. It’s a form of magical art for logic and romance to be on the same page. The same goes for two people to do the same. Don’t you think?

P.S. – I will write twice per week – on Wednesday and Sunday. The featured picture of the post is my drawing.

The Criticism Blindfold Should Be Removed

The Criticism Blindfolds Should be Removed

The Criticism Blindfold Should Be Removed


Dedicated to so-called “constructive criticism.”

As of today, my thinking confession will be about the criticism I received recently verbally and nonverbally. It’s not about whining about who is right and wrong. It’s about objective thinking.

There are some powerful days in life. Then someone else’s critical words or attitude make people realize they are not on the right track in their lives. Yesterday, I got a day like that. It was an enlighting day regarding my Zumba instructor situation and a significant relationship I misunderstood for something more than it is.

At first, my shock overwhelmed me. The next second it was like my heart said: “I told you so long ago.” 

My criticism blindfold should be removed.

I did my Zumba training as usual at 8 pm for the fourth time per week. One person was registered as usual in my classes because some people prefer one on one training. I followed the steps of Zumba Volume 103. They are still new and I do not know all of them perfectly yet.

However, the student who joined didn’t interact much as usual, because she was up for the dance. My child was at home as always, dancing with me. When dancing, I do my best. My daughter sometimes talks too much when she is online with me. I do not think that is a serious problem because virtual classes usually are at home. Weird situations may happen.

After the class, I read a critical comment from the student who joined the class.  I am grateful for that knowledge and newfound wisdom.

The student told she wasted her time and money. Since time can’t be turned back, I reinstated her money. My belief is professionals should respect their client’s opinions and capital. If there is no happiness after a purchase, money should be reinstated if possible.

What did I learn from that unusual experience?

It’s possible my work ethic for Zumba classes is not yet structured well. Since August last year, I am a Zumba Instructor.  It was my goal to become one and spread my love of dancing. It’s like the inspiration in a physical way which is well for everyone. Staying fit, positive, and smiling always wins daily life’s battles.

The main lesson from my recent comment and the last few visits to my Zumba classes is I should put more time into practicing steps. Being an innovator also would help me a lot. But, it seems to me that my timing to become a Zumba instructor is not good because physically. I can’t invest in it 100 %.

Still, my love for dancing is never-ending and I keep doing it. Right said, Zumba always will be my passion, and even if I don’t teach now, later in my life that is an undeniable fact.

As with everything else, dancing takes time to practice and become professional. That is what I concentrate on from now onwards. It’s also a fact that my start with Zumba was late – at 35 years old I started dancing Zumba as a student. It’s better later than never, though.

Constructive criticism always leads to enlightenment.

Since the negative comment opened my eyes to my Zumba practice, I restructured my plan about it. The reason for my love of dancing and working for it lies in the will to be productive in inspiring others to do the same. Whatever it takes, my five classes for the week will not change. Zumba gives me hope, positive vibes, and a lust to live. It doesn’t matter if I have one or no students at all as long as I do not drown in the negativity of life I am currently experiencing.

Another Brick in The Wall of “Constructive Criticism”

Nine months ago, I found myself in a “situationship.” That is a partnership without definition. It’s unclear if both partners are going steady, in friendship, a long-distant relationship, or dating. Many phases have been in it – from long hours talking on the phone, endless messages on most of my side toward the receiver, sleeping together, flirting and going on-off between words and actions.

Two physical dates didn’t give me a clear answer about where I am with that person. Yesterday, after a week of no talking or messaging, I decided to make a phone call. As usual, doing the first step to clear a situation doesn’t bother me. When there is a problem, I want to resolve it as fast as possible. My delusions that the man  I was involved with, thinks about me, shattered.

Or maybe I have insulted or made him sad unconsciously? Not even a dime about it on his side. He was sound and happy out with friends with whom he drove four hours to be.

That never happened between us since we are four hours driving apart. I finally understood that everything was only in my head, but for him, everything was clear from the start – long-distant friendship above all and nothing more. It’s not something my gut didn’t aware me through these months, but my romantic side and will for a serious relationship were more powerful.

By the way, the man told me around five times we live differently, he is not the one I need, my child is not his, etc. but as a believer in true love and the power of my intense feelings. I thought that is based on fear or unwillingness to commit and it may be but I do not care anymore. For me, it came to a point of no return in that relationship that lasted 22 years.

I am grateful it happened that way. Now I can concentrate on my work until a man who knows what he wants comes to find me one way or another. I may wait until my life ends but my intuition tells me to save my face.

You know, I feel humiliated by these men I gave everything for nothing in return even if that’s a proper breakup. But thanks to them now I proudly can live all by myself for my child.

It’s popular these days to have situationship, friends with benefits, and other similar things without engagement. There were red flags I ignored because of my blind love for the personality of that man. As a retro person, I still believe in true romantic, gentle love and there it is but only in my written love stories.

However, that time I didn’t shed a tear as usual in my past unrequited loves. While I write now it’s more like a self-sarcasm than pain. My intuition never lied to me. The blindfolds should be removed. I knew from the start of that situationship it will finish.

Why something that didn’t happen twenty-two years ago between two persons should become a reality today?  It’s rare and almost impossible.

Currently, I feel highly uncertain if I want to date anymore with anyone. If the experience will be like my past five want-to-be dates, it’s better to sit on my butt, doing Zumba, writing love stories, and travel with my child. The disappointment for myself and men is challenging to explain.  I may have some admirers who didn’t try to come to me, watching me from afar, but I don’t know them.

I would give everyone a chance to have a coffee and talk, but a step should be made and if people don’t try and risk, they will gain nothing at all. My will to do the first steps toward someone faded away into my life’s ocean. That is the reason I started working so much and like crazy. I do not want to think because my wounds still aren’t healed. End of story.

Should I become lesbian or asexual? I am unsure, but a good friend of mine is and she seems happy, living the best life for herself.

Everything is a matter of choice and it seems in my life also came a moment to decide what to do from now on. Right said I am like a free bird that has nothing to lose in my current situation. In the town where I currently live, I have nothing. There are no family members, no partner whose loves to give me wings, not many good friends to stay by my side, and no work that makes me proud or earns me enough money to pay bills. It’s not complaining, but facts.

Why should I stay here? Not many reasons.

My possession is a few souvenirs, a laptop, and a car and everything else is bills or taxes. The good thing is my child is happy at her school and Burgas has a sea. That is not enough for me to stay so the only way out is to go back to my hometown after my daughter finishes school in May. Going back is not my thing, but staying in an empty life place also is not. My dignity and pride say I am at a crossroads which makes my life better at some point.

Since I have a great humor sense that saved me many times, I continue to believe in miracles. There is nothing else to motivate me outside my Zumba classes and Poetry writing. Positive vibes are the ones I create by channeling my intense, passionate, and deep love into my activities since there is no pet or family outside my child to do so.

The Blindfold should be removed.

I finished my Poetry book on MS Office Word to find out I lack the skills for self-publishing. Currently, I wonder if I should put the book in that unprofessional outlook on my blog to sell or look for a publisher that can make it prettier for a sum of money that I don’t have. Every month I am out on zero money after paying bills and taxes.

However, it’s good my blindfold is removed to see the things around me as they are without delusional thinking. It’s somehow intoxicating and brings out my fighting spirit that was deep asleep since my empty looking for love in places where there is none for myself.

Regarding my “Mori Monologues” Poetry books maybe it would be better to look for professional help because physically my time is limited. As per my budget, it maybe will good to cut it more since I don’t have the physical time to work a second job because my child needs me more than everything else. Unfortunately, in Bulgaria, there are not many jobs online or maybe I didn’t dig deep enough about them.  That would be a new challenge for me – to look more. There is nothing else for me than my child and eventual work opportunities.

It’s a fact today I am where I am because of my past choices. Some of them were challenging and unhealthy. I am thankful the recent events opened my eyes to reality. Now is the time to face my worst fears of poverty, loneliness, and feeling unprofessional to overcome them.

Thank you for reading, and I hope you start to think about yourselves without blindfolds.




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