Building Walls Between People

Another Thinking Confession For Overthinkers And Emotionally Neglected Children

Originally, I was planning to finish my Dubai travel post today. But, as expected, my creative writer’s heart didn’t agree with my logical mind.

I use one astrology application called “Co-Star” to check my horoscope. Sometimes the words written in it, make sense. There is a quote I like: “Heart and mind shouldn’t conflict,” but unfortunately in my case, it’s mostly like that.

However, today I started to think about building walls between myself and people. It’s uncertain if that is a good way of doing things, but surely nobody loves the feeling of dead weight to another person, especially an important one.

Recently, I dig too much as a typical overthinker and a child with past emotional neglect, building walls.

Parents often do mistakes without understanding them. It causes emotional neglect to their children. That brings serious consequences in adult life. The lack of parental emotional attention and physical showing of support makes the child a survivor but causes problems in communication. That attracts mutual unemotionality between people.

Information about the topic of emotional neglect can be found everywhere on the Internet, but I want to share the consequences through my life lens. My writing is always based on experience and not on theories and readings.

Reasons for Building Walls Between People

Shame

Feeling ashamed is unacceptable, but recently I found out it’s somehow healing. Naming the past mistake in action and accepting it, even if it was a painful experience, brings emotional health into a better shape. One of the reasons for building my walls with people is that I feel ashamed of my past actions toward many of them and especially close ones.

Today was my start to look at my recent and somehow shameful actions. In my opinion, they were like that. Compassion and pity will not bring me salvation, because the past clearly can not be changed. It’s something I need to accept, understand and outwear.

Still, it hurts me, looking back at the situation. But, keeping my ground with my two feet, always made me proud and motivated to move on.

Thinking Of The Past.

Everyone says people should look into the present, but it’s based on the past and ideas for the future. Of course, overthinking the past is not the greatest idea but it shouldn’t be forgotten. People should not hide from the past but remember it dearly in their hearts. That helps them grow and create a better life aura, karma, or whatever they name it.

Overthinking is not advisable, because when it’s prolonged, people become stagnant in their lives. It’s good to have a reasonable period to analyze the situation and discipline to follow it. For example, one day to accept the situation, second to feel it, and third to continue moving on with life, because time never turns back.

Lack Of Self-Compassion

That is the main problem for everyone. I always look first at my mistakes when something goes wrong. It’s still challenging for me to accept that I did my best in a certain situation. My harsh words and feelings toward myself destructed me many times but I revived as a phoenix from ashes. Even so, Self-compassion is challenging to apply, especially when someone grew up without parental emotional love. It’s undeniable fact my parents always provided for me financially, but never invested in my feelings, talents, and supporting my dreams.

However, my gratitude toward them is never-ending. I do my best to avoid that pattern while raising my daughter as a single parent.

For the protocol, my parents were separated unofficially. My mother never stood on her own two feet because she was financially dependent and didn’t try to move on alone. Many women today are like her and I do not blame anyone for anything. It takes courage to become a single parent and risk becoming financially unstable, broken, and living alone with the child until it grows up.

I had two choices: going back with my ex for the money or my hometown to survive. My choice was to stay on my own because I can not live with someone I do not even love. Following my heart is the golden string I follow all my life.

It’s pitiful, humiliating, and insulting to move in with someone without any feelings. So, my understanding of today’s reality of single parenthood is good. Courage is a blessing that not many people have.

Hiding From Facing The Situation

Hiding is a well-known method to avoid uncomfortable situations. Recently, I started doing it because I got too much on my plate. Soon that situation will change. Now, I want to hide because of my need to process everything that happened for the last few months and recharge. But, hiding is never a good idea although sometimes is needed.

Many humans hide forever and build walls. Not many people want to break others’ defenses. It’s a matter of choice, bravery, and depth of feelings.

These are the reasons to build walls between people. Only the closest ones will understand the pain their friends, lovers, parents, or children go through if they want.

Will the close-to-heart people give a hand or not?

In most cases no. Usual sentences are: “I do not want to interrupt,” “I don’t need others’ dramas, “I do not understand,” Why the hell should I care for someone else outside myself?” etc.

However, few people will go through fire for their friends, partners, etc. If you have someone like that in your circle, protect them with everything you got.

For today, my confession ends here. I am happy that you read me and my way to go out of depression is to dance through it. My belief is humans should have their ways to keep going in life. If not, finding them is a must.

Fitting In – Triolet Poem

Dedicated to relationship uncertainty and status quo.

These fitting-in situations should be cleared as soon as possible.

There are shaping forms to fit in.

Where do I fit in your living?

I started my mind cleaning.

There are shaping forms to fit in.

Do I enter into your life or do I leave it?

I may physically cut it for a mental reason.

There are shaping forms to fit in.

Where do I fit in your living?

*****

Triolet poems always give clarity in every situation. But the purpose of “Fitting in” is a wake-up call from a questionable relationship dynamic. Many people do not explain themselves to their new partners.

Actions speak louder than words when it comes to fitting in someone’s life.

Based on my experience, I haven’t felt a part of my questionable partners. My curiosity points to “Are we even a couple without talking it out?” and the reply is a sound “No.”

The human brain always plays tricks when there is a matter of the heart. Questions like “Oh, does he has a lot of work to not call me?” for weeks or “Does he ever think of me?” for a month, and “What are we?” always roam through the mind of the involved person. It’s called the status quo. The interesting here is many people try to lie and use their self-beliefs against themselves. They think that someone is busy with his life and for that reason can’t find time to call or text.

The situation of fitting into someone’s life gives a clear answer to the status quo.

It takes time for someone to start liking another person and know where they stand. In most cases, after the first three dates make things clear. There is an old saying that when a man can live without a woman for a day, he can do it for life. Today people are liberated and allow a man or a woman to live without contacting them for weeks, and even months or years, thinking “He loves me but is busy.”

If someone is too busy in the first place, and cannot fit into others’ lives, why they even started to communicate without finishing it?

I believe it’s better to not start anything without the idea of wrapping it. It’s like a martyr’s game. Yes, it’s painful to let go and watch how something beautiful fades away, but it’s better to draw a line if there will be only knowing someone briefly or going deeper with them.

Like an ex-martyr whom I liked to play a lot, now I stand strictly on my two feet. My brokenness was so much I couldn’t even stop thinking about staying single and made delusions for a man who doesn’t even find the time to text or it was uncomfortable to speak on the phone with me in his friend’s presence. They will say he is a man under a slipper.

So What?

Every man becomes under slipper after many years of family life and women become home-wives in one way or another. That shouldn’t look like a claim, it’s a fact. On the other side, many people do not want to commit to not losing their faces or egos.

Fitting in other people’s lives.

In every relationship is good to check signs if both partners are making efforts to fit into each other lives. At first, small steps, then gradually to leaps if they are worth it. Being objective in a relationship dynamic is always a must and there is no need for self-pity or creating a delusional idea for someone. Activities together and conversations about shared futures show that people are involved in each other’s lives and want to be together without avoiding contact.